and so the wait begins

I hate this. I feel sick and nervous. They completely threw me off this morning before my scans. They told me that I was scheduled for a Pet/CT scan and then the MRI. Nope. First up was the MRI. I really hate MRIs. The machine is tiny and loud. I also thought that I was going to get to listen to music but no, they handed me a pair of earplugs. They stuff me into this tube for twenty minutes and then they bring me out to start the IV contrast. So, while he was getting me ready the guy, in a really thick accent asks me, "So how long have you had the mass?" Panic began to set in. I looked at him and asked "So you saw a mass in my leg?? Because I had the mass removed." He began to trip all over his words. I am so freaked out! Why would he say that if he did not see a mass? Then he asked my history. I told him how I had the two surgeries, chemo and radiation. He had no clue that I went through any of this. I am so scared right now. I started to cry. For the rest of the time I was doing the MRI I cried. Then I cried in the waiting room waiting for my next scan. My mom told the next guy what the first guy did and he was so nice and attentive. The scan was a little different because they wanted to focus more on my lungs. They let my mom sit in the room with me.

I couldn't focus after that. Once I left I was just crying. I thought back over the past year of all the surgeries and the pain. The chemo and radiation. All of the heartache that I put everyone through. How did I get through all of it? And how could I possibly do it again? I drove straight to the church. I kneeled before the altar and prayed. I know that if it is His will, I will have to go through it again. But I asked for Him to carry me through it. I could be worrying about nothing right now. It could be just a misunderstanding. Either way I need prayers. I do not see my oncologist until Thursday. Plenty of time to go crazy worrying about the results.

My Nerves are Rattled again.

So it is that time yet again. Three glorious months have past by and wouldn't you know, I have started to feel normal. Though, one might ask what actually is normal? Are any of us really normal to begin with? Well, by that I mean of the non-cancer variety. The people that walk around without a care in the world. Of course I know that have some cares, but you get my point. The last three months have been great. I am back to school and hitting the books hard. My last year at Phoenix has officially begun. I am a Senior, can you believe it? In one year I will be walking across that stage in my cap and gown. I have put on some amazing events in my local area for the girl scouts. Many of you know that I love girl scouting, it's my passion! We held an awesome twilight camp for them too! I took my baby girl on a weekend trip to Austin to get out of town and visit my best friend. We had an absolute blast exploring Austin. I walked in the Relay for Life. Oh Yeah! That was an amazing night! I walked a mile, a WHOLE mile! Of course, it was not all at one time. I would walk a lap and rest and then walk another lap. But I did it! And when I was finishing my survivor lap the North Shore ROTC gave me a big HOOAH. That is about when the tears started streaming down my face. I did it. I beat cancer. That is when I realized, I will never be normal again. Cancer has changed me, for the better of course. I smell the roses and have even started to enjoy watching the little lizards in the garden. I appreciate my family and my daughter. She is still my rock, the glue that holds me together.

It is so weird though, because on Monday I will have to step back into the Cancer Patient shoes. I have my three month Pet/CT and MRI on Monday. I am so nervous. My follow up is on Thursday, the 12th. I am praying that my scans come back clean and healthy. I feel fine. The funny thing is that I look back over the past year and I cannot believe that I went through all of the treatments. Yes, my leg is limited and I know they took out a fair amount of the muscle. It does sort of hurt here and there but it is not like the crippling pain from after the surgery or even the pain that I remember from the tumor pressing down on my nerve. It is just faint phantom pains that my surgeon said were normal from the healing process. Electrical tings of everything still trying to boot back up. I wish that I could fast forward to Thursday. I hate the whole waiting thing.

So, I am asking for prayers. Prayers of strength, that I am still cancer free! Prayers for my family, especially my daughter, who is finally starting to understand more about what I went through. Prayers that this will all be behind me and that it will never come back.