The transition to normality.

Two months have past since my radiation treatments were completed. Two months, I still cannot believe it. The radiation burn on my thigh continued to get worse before it go better. Fortunately during my last five treatments, they were able to block a section of the burn with lead so it could heal as they blasted the other section with the radiation. I still have hyperpigmentation, but for the most part it is now healed. I am also getting more sensation back in my leg. This is both good and bad. On one hand, I can feel my leg again. It is not that muted feeling I had after the surgeries. On the other hand, I can really feel my leg. I hate it. Feeling the crater that was left when they removed the tumor and muscle. It makes me sick. I get this queasy feeling in my stomach. I need to start working out. Now that the burns are healed and I can move around easier, I need to start training the muscle that is left and strengthen it. Perhaps tomorrow.

I am still tired. I cannot stay up late like I used to. After work I just want to sink into the couch and watch Doctor Who. The other day I laid down just to rest my eyes and I was out by 7:30pm. I did start my classes again. This is the third week of my first class. It is so hard to concentrate and writing papers, that was amusing. Looking back on it, I can remember at least three things that I did not do that I should have. I have been on leave since October. I did not think it would be this hard to get back into the swing of things. Boy was I wrong.

I keep forgetting things left and right. You would think I still have ChemoBrain. I need to start stapling post-it notes to my shirt or writing on my hand because I forget everything! Twice have forgotten my appointment to get my port flushed. I had to schedule it at the end of the day tomorrow, because I knew that I would forget to go in the morning. The hardest part is trying to get used to not having as many doctor appointments. Sometimes I feel like they just set me free and forgot about me. I have another scan next month. If it comes back clean, then we can talk about removing the port. That will be a blessing.

This last weekend felt somewhat normal. I actually headed out with a friend to a con. It is just hard trying to get back to the land of the living. I can have a normal day and then all of the sudden it hits me and I get a rush of feelings. The terror I felt when I first noticed the tumor. When I was first diagnosed or laying in the bed waiting for surgery. The chemo and radiation. Being alone. This wave of emotions is crippling. I want to cry and I wonder how I got through it all. This last year has gone by so fast. It feels so surreal. Like at any moment I will wake up and it was all a bad dream. If only...

Ringing the Bell.

I have not posted in a while so I will try to catch you up. The radiation burn got worse and continued to get worse. I did not know that the radiation keeps working on you for seven days after the treatment is over. So before it gets better is must get worse. There is no way around it. The burn started to blister and then the blisters popped. It was disgusting. I have had just the smallest sun burns before but it was nothing compared to what I was experiencing. Then after the blisters was brand new, delicate pink skin. I had to go to the wound clinic daily for about a week. Then it went to just once a week.

My Christmas this year was amazing. You never realize how much you take for granted until you almost get it taken away. I enjoyed every minute of the decorating and the shopping. The cooking and cleaning. The whole time thanking God that I was given a chance to enjoy this time with my family. To see the joy on my daughter's face. New Year's Eve was great too. I was moving around better by then, but still not at my best. The fireworks got a little crazy and some flipped over and shot at us. It was so funny! I got to spend the holiday with some of my closest friends and loved every minute of it. Ready to start a new year happy and healthy.

I finished my last radiation treatment right before the end of the year. I rang the bell. Oh, how good it felt to ring that bell! You ring it three times to show that you have finished your treatment. It still makes my eyes tear to think about the bell. I can't believe I did it. I kicked Cancer's butt and I am alive to tell the tale. In the last year, I went through two surgeries, six intense cycles of chemo and 30 radiation treatments. Now I am done. When I first started my treatments, I looked at the calendar and thought, my God, how am I ever going to get through this. It seemed like so long ago, but time passed so quickly. I am not out of the woods yet, but I am on my way.

My support group was amazing. To my Aunt who drove me everywhere and sat with me during treatments. To my Mother who took care of me in my time of need. To my Brother and Sister who were there for me through it all. To all of my family and friends who were my words of encouragement and my angels in prayer. To my sister girl scouts who were so understanding, you helped me and my girls out so much! To all of my daughter's teachers who helped make this experience less painful for my daughter with helpful chats, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen and backgammon games that brought her home with smiles from ear to ear. Words cannot express how each of you have touched my heart and I am eternally grateful for all of the love, hope and help that you all have given to me and my family in the past year. Thank you and I love you all.

Most importantly to my daughter Evelyn. You are my rock and my everything. Each day I fought for you and I will continue to fight to be here with you. I love you with all of my heart and you are the reason I did so well with my treatments. You are truly my gift, my little angel from God. I thank Him every day for giving me such a wonderful and understanding little girl. I am sorry that I got sick, but I promise to be here for you and to love you with every fiber of my being. Thank you baby girl.