Another dustpan full of hair...

I had no idea how much hair I actually had. It is crazy seeing the amounts of hair that is coming out. So last night I wore one of those stocking hats to bed. You know the kind that looks like you are wearing your mamma's knee high. Yeah, it was not a pretty sight. I looked like a wanna be thug that just wasn't getting the look down, haha. And they are so small! I told my mom as I was trying to get it on my head without pulling more hair out, "does this come in a queen size?" lol... Though it did help. I only had a few strands on my pillow. Most of the hair was stuck in the hat and not all over my bed. This morning I just leaned over and brushed out the loose strands and swept it up. Hardly no tears! I wore a cute bandanna and was alright. It is funny though because I have a bald spot on the back of my head like the little babies. And my head is so cold! I have been wearing a knit cap around the house to keep my head warm. This weekend I will shop for more scarves and other options. I still have hair on the sides of my head and on top, so I can still cover up the back, but it is so thin. Thinking long and hard about just buzzing it off.

Asking for prayers tonight, not for me but my brother's sister-in-law. She is in ICU and is pregnant and can use your prayers. Thank you!

The strands have turned to clumps...

Today was a bad day. The strands of hair falling increased to clumps of hair. When I was getting ready for work my hair would not stop falling out. I cried and cried as I kept pulling the wads of hair out of my brush. I had a kroger bag that I was filling with my hair. It was everywhere. On the floor, on the sink and all over me. As soon as I would get it styled, it would start to clump again and I would have to work more out. I have a bald spot on the back of my head. I am able to cover it with my hair, but I was so self conscience. I have always had thick hair, but now it is super thin. At work, my head was so cold and I could feel the breeze from the ac. It was crazy! Even after all of that hair that came out this morning, I still have a good amount left. Not sure how long it will last. Hopefully I will still have it by Friday. My daughter has been away at camp since Sunday. She has not been here to see the process of my hair going shorter and thiner. I would hate to have to pick her up on Friday with a buzzed head. My mom and aunt went to the store and bought a few different scarfs and caps. They also went to a store to price wigs.I gave myself a pep talk at work. I told myself to snap out it and get a grip. It's just hair, it will grow back. I need to take charge of the situation and stop dwelling on what I cannot change. Now I am just trying to figure out if I should just buzz it off now or wait. Either way I want it to be my choice.

Strands of hair, Everywhere...

The pain is gone! I am so happy that did not last very long, but now I am facing a new challenge. My hair is starting to fall. I have really thick, long hair and I normally shed every day. When I wash my hair or brush my hair, it normally comes out. Now the amount of hair is more and it is coming out more often. After I brush my hair, I have to sweep the floor. I run my hands through my hair and strands just fall out. It's on my pillow, on my clothes. It's in the tub and in the sink. All over my car. And the tears! I can't help but cry when I have to sweep up the strands. I didn't think it was going to be this difficult to see my hair falling. One of my co-workers went through the same thing and told me that I may want to start going shorter. That way I am not seeing long strands everywhere. I was hoping that since my hair is so thick that maybe I would not lose all of it, just some. Not so sure now, seeing how much is falling around me. So I went after work today and got my hair cut and styled. Not crazy short, so not ready for that. Baby steps people. I feel good though and it looks good. At least for now.  When I first heard the diagnosis I kept telling myself , hey if it falls out then it falls out. Hair can always grow back. Losing a head of hair is a small price to pay for a lifetime of happy memories to come.
 But if I do lose my hair, I want to get one of those Jamaican hats with the dreads... :)

p.s. I just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone that has left a comment. They have helped me so much in this process and I am so blessed to have a great support system. Thank you everyone!

Oh the Pain...

So after the appointment with the surgeon I had an appointment with the oncologist to find out what the next step was going to be. We discussed how the margin was cleared and the incision was healing nicely. He told me that we would start with four to six months of chemo and then six to eight weeks of radiation. At first he wanted me to start the chemo that Monday, but he decided to give me one more week of healing. Then I would be admitted to the hospital for the first round of chemo. The doctor said that this mix of chemo is known to work on this type of cancer, so that is where we will start. There are some people that cannot handle this type of chemo, but because I am young and healthy, I should have no problems. The first round will be administered in the hospital and then the others can be done outpatient. The depending on my blood count the next 21-30 days later. I was freaked out. I knew it was coming, but it seemed so fast! I was overwhelmed and scared.

I think that brings us up to date of where I am now. It is a week after my first chemo treatment. I was doing fine until Thursday around midnight. Before then, I was just tired and I had bathroom issues. But no nausea and no vomiting. I was doing so good. I got my shot on Monday and they said that a side effect could be achy bones. But that would be a good thing because I would know that the shot is working. Work has been hard, only because I am so tired. Then on Thursday I went to get my blood work done after work. When registering, the lady gave me a hard time. I ended up crying. Then I got home and had the start to a rough night. Around midnight, my back started aching. Then it slowly got worse. By 2am, I wanted relief. My legs were restless, I couldn't sleep, it was so bad. I went to my mom, who come to find out was still asleep. She got me back in bed and told me to just go to sleep. By 4am I was balling in tears. It would start at my shoulders and it felt like two bats taking turns hitting me all the way down my back to my thighs. And then it would start over. bam*bam*bam*bam all the way down. I couldn't sleep, everything was throbbing in pain. Every move made it worse. I was on the couch trying to see if that would be more comfortable, when my mom woke up. I couldn't stop crying, I just wanted the pain to stop and I was afraid that I was going to have this pain for the next six months. My mom made a desperate call to the neighbor, a stage four breast cancer survivor. She calmed me down and told me it is normal., it is just a side effect from the shot and chemo. She asked if we had pain meds and I had some left over pain pills from the surgery. She told my mom to make me a peanut butter sandwich, give me a pill, have me take a lukewarm shower, change into flannel pj's and get under the covers. The shower made the throbbing go away. The pain meds let me sleep. The next day at work, it took everything to get through the day. I had to take pain pills to get through the constant throbbing. Even my teeth were throbbing! Not to mention the dry mouth, ugh. But I got through the day. The evening was not that good. I went to sleep after I got home, which means I waited to late to eat. By the time I needed to take my next pain pill I didn't have anything in my tummy. So I had to eat first, which pushed my pill out. I slept for a little more, but then when I woke up I was hungry, but the nausea came on in a flash. I didn't even have the time to take the medication. Before I knew it my head was in the trash can. I hate throwing up. Today was better. I woke up starving and have held everything down, though I did take the anti-nausea meds. The pain is nothing like it was Thursday night, but every now and then I get a throbbing pain going down my back. Simple tylenol is helping with that. I slept most of the day but was up in time for church. I prayed for strength to get through the pain...

Round one, almost done...

The second surgery was scheduled very quickly. They said it would be similar to the first and they were just going to go in and remove more surface tissue. I had an earlier surgery time than the first one, so it seemed like everything was moving much more quickly. The doctor came in and explained the procedure which threw me for a loop because in my mind surface tissue meant closer to the skin, not more muscle. They were going to take out more muscle. I knew they said that I would keep the mobility of my leg, I might be slower but I did not expect it to be that much more. I was scared. They came in and were ready to take me back, I didn't get the "margarita shot" until I was headed out the door. Then by the time I was in the OR I was still wired up. They started prepping me and I could feel the anesthesia in my chest. I told them that I thought something was wrong, I could feel it across my face and in my lips. Then I woke up in the recovery room. The healing process took much longer than the first surgery. They left the drain in over the weekend. The incision was much bigger than I expected and instead of using steri strips, they stitched it up. I have never seen stitches on me before. I cried in the shower because I looked like Frankenstein. The drain and the stitches were removed that next week. That was an experience in itself. The best part about that appointment was that they had the pathology report back. They were able to clear the margin and remove all the cancer cells. The tumor was gone. I could breathe again. There was a small "hill" at the bottom of my incision. My leg started to collect fluid and blood. I had to stay in bed for a week with my leg up and warm compresses. I was so happy that the fluid went down and I did not have to get it aspirated.

Today was another emotional day. This is the last bag of my first treatment. It still has a few hours to go. Then they will flush my system out with another bag that will take about 12 hours. Then I will need a shot to help rebuild my blood count. I was mad today. I feel like this is so unfair. I have been in the hospital since Monday and it was only supposed to be a four day treatment. I feel like I have done my time here, I should be ready to go. The night nurses ran the premeds individually and threw off my timing.  My uncle has been texting my all day, trying to make me smile. I talked to two of them today. They had me laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. I pictured myself after my treatments are said and done, starting the rest of my life. Happy and healthy with my beautiful little girl.

She scared the $#!t out of me...

For the PET/CT scan I was a nervous wreck. Louis took me to the appointment. My stomach turned just at the thought of what they might find. A friend of mine told me that it was the best scan to get. It lights up like a Christmas tree where ever you have the cancer cells. We walked to the back to start with the injection. First they have to check your blood sugar and then they inject you with radioactive glucose. You have to be completely still and you cannot talk. If you tense your muscles it will settle there or if you talk it will all go to your throat. They leave you alone for an hour. It seemed like forever. Once they started the machine was not bad at all. Much better than my experience in with the MRI, didn't even need to be medicated to get through it. They let him watch the images as they scanned me. When we were done I asked if he saw a Christmas tree, he said no. I wasn't scheduled to go to the oncologist until the next day. The waiting was horrible. Finally, it was time for my appointment. I was terrified and crying in the waiting room. I wished they would just come out and say good or bad, that is all I wanted to know. It was so hard to read the doctor when he came in to the room. He told me that I had a healthy scan. It was isolated to the leg, and there was very little left. I cried, tears of relief of course. He was certain that another surgery would remove the remaining margin. Then a course of chemo and radiation to make sure that it does not have a chance to spread or come back. I could breathe, but I was still very scared.

Today I woke up after 8am. My stomach felt a little uneasy, but I thought that it was probably because I had not eaten. I hurried up and ordered my breakfast. Once I ate, my stomach felt much better. But then my problems started. You may want to stop here if you do not want to know about the inner workings of my body. But yes, it was bad. I tried and tried but nothing was working. I actually called for help, how embarrassing! I finally heard the nurse at the door with the glove, but that was all I needed. I thanked her and advised that her services were no longer needed. I guess I just need her there to scare the shit out of me. This is how the rest of my day went. I broke my rule with talking through the bathroom door. Today they gave me a file folder to keep up with my paperwork and they gave me the the LiveStrong workbooks. They would have been great to have a month ago when I started my own. I had some awesome visitors from work today, my brother came by. My uncle has been texting me all day, trying to make me laugh. I was finally able to talk to my best friend who just got back in the country. Today I will start my last bag of chemo! Though it sucks that they are getting such a late start. Once this bag is done they will flush my system and my first round will be done!

Getting over the Cancer word

I could not even say that "c" word for a while. My brother told me that a friend of his said that is one of the first steps, to get over the word cancer. I went through this emotional roller coaster, that I did not ask to be on. One minute I would be laughing and then next crying all over the place. I was worried. Worried about my daughter, my mother, my family. Look what I am putting them all through. The first visit with the oncologist was very emotional. I had my mother and my boyfriend with me. I needed support and someone to take notes. The paperwork alone was a huge packet of questions. When the doctor saw me he asked if I knew exactly what we were dealing with. I said no. Liposarcoma is an extremely rare cancer. This tumor was a high grade, aggressive type but it was only less than 5cm. This means that we caught it early. He wanted me to take three CT scans, but I insisted on a PET/CT scan, one of the best body scans that they have. It looks from your scalp to the tip of your toes. Normally it is hard to get the insurance to approve it, but I did my homework and knew that it was covered. When this cancer does start to move it has a tendency to settle in the lungs. But he was fairly certain that we caught it early enough. I was scared. No, terrified is a much better word. I kept trying to smile, I knew that I was going to get through this. I was just not sure how much I was going to have to go through. He said that chemo and radiation, possibly more surgery would probably be needed. We were just going to have to wait for the scan results to come in.

The next day my brother took me to the radiologist. This appointment went much better. The nurses were very nice and explained the whole process. I watched a video that showed the machine and then I spoke with a nutritionist. The doctor looked at my MRI and determined that if they could clear the margin, then I could get a smaller dose of radiation which would be better in the long run. The surgeon agreed. Next step, waiting for my PET/Scan to be approved.

Day 3 of Chemo
The ambien worked great last night. I actually slept, very well. My mom, aunt and daughter should come this afternoon. The medication can attack the neurological system. If I start getting disoriented or confused they have to stop the infusions immediately. So they wanted someone to stay with me during the day. It is also nice that my brother works upstairs. I have about 1/4 of my second bag of the 24 hour chemo left. Hopefully today I can take a shower before they start the next drip and change into some normal clothes. I am sick of hospital gowns and the nurse said that I can wear something normal as long as the can access the port.  I am surprised how well I am taking this. I thought I would be sick to my stomach, but from what I hear that comes later on. So far so good. I am stocked on lemon drops and grape, apple and orange heads but I have not had to use them. When they flush the line you can taste it. This evening I will get my last bag of doxorubicine. It is a small red bag that takes about 30 minutes to drip. Then today and tomorrow another bag of the Ifex. Hopefully I will heal fast so that I can knock this out every 21 days.  That would be so great.

Let's continue...

It is still so hard to believe that I am on my second day of Chemo, but here is a little more back story. I first notice the knot in my thigh in February, but it was misdiagnosed as a hematoma. After it would not go away, I decided to get a second opinion in March. The doctor was amazing, he knew right off the bat that it could be just a collection of fat, but worst case scenario it could be a sarcoma. I refused to google that word for my own sanity. They ordered a MRI and found that it was indeed a mass. He referred me to a surgeon who had a lot of experience dealing with sarcomas. That evening I drove to the church and gave it to God. I prayed that if he could take it from me to please do so, but if it is mine to bear then to give me the strength and courage to get through it. I met with the surgeon and he advised that based on the size and location, we needed to first remove the mass and then order a biopsy. I had my first surgery in April where they were able to remove 99.something% of the tumor. (Pathology requires a 2cm gap between healthy tissue and unhealthy tissue in order to determine a 100% removal.) However, they did have to take some of the muscle. My first day back to work I received a call from the surgeon himself (not good to get a call from him and not his Nurse). He told me that the tumor was cancer. Sarcoma. He said they got most of it out, but that he was referring me to a radiologist and an oncologist who specialize in these. He said that I am young and that after some radiation and possible chemo, I should be good as new.

Day 2 of chemo went well! I am still holding my food down and no symptoms as of yet. Just tired, couldn't sleep. My legs were restless, which apparently I could have asked for something for that. Didn't know...Had a few visitors today, it makes a world of difference. The pre-meds are great, they are really good. The ambien is starting to kick in know. must sleep...

And so it begins...

I was diagnosed with Liposarcoma. It is a very rare cancer that affects only 1% of the adult population. Luckily it was caught very early and after two surgeries and a very healty PET/CT scan later, the tumor was completely removed. Now I have to go through six rounds of preventative chemo and then 6-8 weeks of preventative radiation. They said that I am a very good candidate for the chemo beause I am so young and other than this, very healthy. And these meds are known to work on this type of cancer. But hopefully I will heal faster in between treatments and I will be able to get them every 21 days instead of every 30 which will cut the treatment from 6 months to only 4. Either way, it is still less than a pregnancy!

I checked in today for my first round of chemo. I got here at 11am. They are going to keep me in the hospital for the first week. I made sure to bring a box of Girl Scout Cookies for the nurses. It has made so much of a difference! The nurses are nicer and they hang around to chat about anything and everything. I was so not prepared for today. The doctor only told me that it would be a five day treatment and explained some of the possible side effects. I am down to only a four day treatment instead of a five day treatment. Yay! But they did not tell me that this med can kill part of the heart, didn't expect that. I also didn't expect to be on a 24 hour drip. They said this can change on my next round, but as of now for the next four days I will get this stuff pumped in non-stop. Was absolutely not expecting that. They did not get my port accessed until a few hours later and I was very nervous about that. They gave me a quick educational spill on the port and all was good to go. I made them show me that the port was accessed just to make sure, because my neighbor was not so lucky with hers. The chemo did not come until around 6pm. I was so nervous and anxious to start. My family was here for the start which was nice. The pre-meds went first, then a bag of red chemo and now the 24 hour chemo. I cried when they started talking about what could happen. My daughter lost it and had to step out. I cant believe it is already 10pm. This day has gone by so slow, but fast at the same time. Luckily, I have not had any syptoms yet. I ate a whole tray of food and I could probably eat some more! Getting tired now, maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight...