Round Three coming up

Tomorrow I am scheduled to start round three. Sooner than last time, I know. The cancer center scheduled me at day 17 instead of day 21. They will have to check my blood count before they start the chemo, but if the count is good should be okay. I am so nervous. My stomach is a little upset and my emotions are all over the place. I hate this, it sucks. But after these next four days, I will be half way done with the chemo treatments. Time feels like it is going so fast, but at the same time too slow. I wish I was done already. In all honesty, the last two rounds have not been that bad. I just hope they stay that way. The oncologist agreed that an 18 hour push was too fast. I think we are going to try 22 or 20 hours, I can't remember. I also mentioned how sore and irritated my gums get after treatment, but he said all looked good in my mouth, no sores. I haven't lost all my hair yet. I still have the hair on my arms, though I have not had to worry about shaving my legs for a while. Still have some stubble of hair the top of my head, but my eyebrows and eyelashes are starting to go. They are getting really thin.
I feel bad for my daughter. I hate that I have to put her through this. I feel bad because she doesn't have a normal mom. Instead she has to deal with a bald, emotional, sick mom. She walked in on me crying and she told me, "hey, at least you got it out early. it's going to be alright." And then she just sat there hugging me. So, I have been praying for strength all day.

It's only four days...

My New 'Do...

I have a wonderful group of family and friends. They chipped in and donated money to help me buy a wig and pay for bills. I am so lucky to have them! Yesterday, I took a trip down to League City to Becky's Wigs.They had so many wigs there!! I sat down and they started working, pulling all sorts of wigs all different colors and styles. I was not happy to find out how long my hair will take to grow back. That was not what I wanted to hear. I found a cute long wig, but it was very expensive and the maintenance of a long wig was more than I wanted. Then I was able to narrow it down to two styles that I liked. It was so hard to pick between the two, but I was finally able to make up my mind. They also had the sleeping hats so I got one of those too. The ladies were so nice there and very helpful. I recommend it to anyone in need of a cranial prosthesis. It was a bit weird to walk into the store with a hat on and then to walk out with hair. At church everyone knows I lost my hair, they looked at me and smiled. Told me that they liked my hair. One little old lady asked how I was doing, told me that I looked really good and then loudly said, "I like your wig!" It was very comical. I am still afraid that I will bend down and come back up with my wig askew. Definitely staying away from York Peppermint Patties...

almost done.

I am almost done with round two. Fighting nausea right now. The coke and saltines helped a little bit, but it is starting to come back. Getting a headache too. Other than that I am so tired. It is hard to wake up in the morning, and trying to get through work has been hard. Today a representative from the American Cancer Society was at the cancer center today. She was really nice. She gave me a hat made by STAR, stiching to assist recovery, from the catholic church St. Rose of Lima. It is a cute hat. She also gave me a wig, a cheap wig, but hey it was free. I still have not made it out to the wig shop, they sure do not make it easy for people that work to buy wigs. The one she gave me looks nice, I probably need to get the bangs trimmed and it has been smooshed in a plastic bag. So, it needs help. As I was walking to the back to get my vitals taken, they were walking the healing dogs out. I missed the puppies. Mom saw them though, they had a full size poodle and one that looked like Fiona, my pom-chi, but two sizes bigger. It is so nice that they have these things for the patients and that there are volunteers giving their time to sit and talk to us. It means so much and another reminder that we are not alone. Today I met someone with stage four colon cancer. He is done with chemo treatments, but is going through another treatment. His keeps coming back in different parts of the body. The thing that got me, was that the whole time he was sitting there telling me his story, he was smiling. The smile never left his face, even when he was telling me things that I wanted to cringe at, he was smiling. It makes you look at things in another light...

The support of survivors.

Last night I was really nervous with the pump. It is cool because I get to be home, but they stopped having the 24 hour nurse line because nobody was calling for help. I was so nervous that something was going to go wrong at night. Honestly, I got more sleep with the pump than from that IV stand at the hospital. Today I was able to go in to work then head off to my appointment. Good thing I didn't try to get there earlier because it took an hour just to get a chair. In the waiting room I met Gabe. He is a volunteer and an eight year cancer survivor. I was able to chat with him and talk about my experiences so far. It was nice because he has been there, he knows the challenges and fears that I am facing and went through them personally. I was able to sit and joke with him about some of the things that I am finding out along the way. Then another person would tell their story. It's like a mini support group. So I finally got to the back and into a chair and had a nice view of the fish tank. The premeds and doxo went by fast once they had me hooked up. Then another bag in my pump and I was good to go. I slept all the way back to work and was able to work for a couple more hours. Not too bad! Felt a little nausea this morning, but thankfully it didn't last long.

Access denied.

My appointment was at 1030 this morning. I was so nervous. I worked for 2 and a half hours and then made my way up to the cancer center. Did my vitals and weight. Then was taken back. It was not what I expected at all. There were reclining chairs all over the place. People were all crammed together. I my half circle, there was a lady that was battling cancer for the third time and her hubby, two ladies that didn't speak English and a young man that had a blood disorder. Then it was time to access the port. They first gave me a xanex and then asked if I wanted to wait for the cream to numb the area. I said no, just get it over with. Come to find out the lady was still in orientation and was an RN that went from oncology to home health and is now back in oncology. Not extremely seasoned with accessing a port. She pushed the needle in and it hurt, alot. Then she pushed the saline and pulled back for a blood return and it hurt worse. I told them something was wrong, that it really hurt. It felt nothing like the first time and that was a fresh port. Then the other nurse tried and disconnected it. He said one, that she could have missed the port, two, the line could be pinched between my clavicle and rib or three, both. They put the lidocane cream on it and waited for that and my xanex to kick in some more. I was so scared, I had tears streaming down my face. I was afraid that I went through all of that to have the port installed and it quit working after the first treatment. So then the other nurse attempted. I didn't feel a thing going in, and the blood return was good. I had to take deep breaths, so it may have been pinched.

Then they started my premeds all mixed in one bag. This made drift off in the clouds. Once that ended, they started the doxo (the red bag). The ladies thought it was neat that I get a red bag. I did not. I slept through the doxo and woke up hungry, but just in time to learn about my new pump. They told me what to do, the different error messages and the most important thing - do not panic! It should be done tomorrow around 930. This sucks. They are changing it from  a 24 hour push to a 18 hour push. I am feeling a little nausea which can happen when they push it too fast. And oh yes, it is in a fanny pack.I have my very own fanny pack that I can bling out if my little heart desires.

Going from Anxious to Nervous.

At first I was ready, I just wanted to get this next round started. The sooner it is started the sooner it will be over. Now, my tummy is a nervous wreck. The doc said, that if round one is good - then round two should be good. I can't believe it is already time to start the next round. I hope it continues to move along like this. But round two will be a little different and I think that is what makes me nervous. Yes, I get to do this outpatient. I get to come home and sleep in my own bed, even attempt to work as much as this allows. But I am not going to be in the hospital. That is what is freaking me out. If the pump starts beeping in the middle of the night, I can't push the nurse button and have someone come to fix it. I can't call on room service to bring me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and jello. Though, it will be nice not to hear the lady in the next room screaming and moaning at all hours of the night. I am nervous though. I was looking on YouTube for scarf tips and I ran across these videos on a Canadian comedian who was diagnosed with breast cancer at 36. She video taped her journey through chemo. I laughed mostly, cried just a bit but I know that I can get through this. And even though I am going through something that is so hard emotionally and physically, it could be worse. Her website is www.chem-ho.com yup she's single, lol. But to see someone going through the treatments, laughing and cracking jokes, was very helpful.

On another note, I am the proud new owner of a small scarf collection thanks to one of the ladies at my church. Most of them are smaller, like a fancy bandanna. I will have to YouTube more ways to tie a bandanna. And they mostly look like they are from the 70s, very much vintage! I was also trying to line out my wardrobe for this week. Because of the chemo sweating out of the body, I have to be able to wash everything in hot water. So thanks to sterfry05 on YouTube, I have made some scarves out of shirts that I found on sale. That way if they get messed up no worries, they weren't that expensive and are easier to wash. I am working with this, trying to roll with the punches, make lemonade and all that jazz...

Preparing for the next round.

With the next round coming up, I thought I should tidy up a bit around my room. That way I don't have to worry about cleaning with a pump attached. I came across the Health Manager folder they gave me when I was in the hospital. It is from the American Cancer Society. Inside there is so much information about cancer in general, your treatments, pain management, diet - everything. I also have the printouts of my medications that tell you about the drugs and their side effects. I looked through the information, some of it for the first time. I thought I should at least read over the medication info since I am starting the next round on Monday. But the cancer info is what got me. It made me cry. I was so mad that I had to sit there and read this information. I was mad that I have to go through this. I was scared about what lies ahead. I missed my hair. And every time I move I can feel the tube that runs from the port. Then it made me mad that I was sitting there mad, scared and crying letting this little medical folder get me down. I am trying so hard not to dwell on the situation. To have a positive outlook and to be able to joke about my new hair style or lack thereof.  To wake up thankful for everyday that God has given me. To tell my little girl how much I love her everyday. And to be thankful that even though I am in the situation that I am in, the tumor is out and I am handling the chemo very well.

Next round coming up.

I went to the oncologist today and got a very good report! He was very pleased at how my body took to the chemo. My blood count did go down, but nothing lower than a lower normal, if that makes sense. He said that the first round is always the hardest because they do not know how the body will react to the medication. But if the first round goes smooth, then the second should too. It isn't until the fifth and sixth that you start seeing the cumulative effects. My next round will start on Monday and it will be done out patient. I will be fitted with a pump and will have to come in every day for a new bag. I should be able to work while doing my treatment. This will be much better than stuck in the hospital for a week. I feel like this is going at a nice steady pace. The 21 days have gone by pretty quick and I am already ready to start round two. A little nervous about the pump issue, that will be a bit weird at first. Though he ensured me that it is completely safe.

Had a hard time this morning with the scarf. Instead of bad hair days it will be bad scarf days, haha! I hate that everyone looks at me and then gives me that look of pity. That will be something that is hard to get used to...

Bald is Beautiful

What an emotional weekend. On Saturday I had another clump of hair fall out and was left with very little hair. I made my mind up, I was headed to the barbershop. I walked in to this shop with my mom, my aunt and my kid. There were five guys working and a full waiting area. I asked how long the wait would be and they started saying really late times. Then the one in the middle says, "All I see are girls, where are the dudes at?" But he said all getto like. So I looked at him, and choked up. Holding back the tears, "I'm going through chemo and I need someone to cut my hair." He told me that he would do it next. The guys got up to let us sit. I waited and it was so hard. Then once I got in the chair, he asked if I wanted to keep my hair. I held my breath as he started. Then he took the little hair I had left and gave it to my mom. As he worked he asked about my diagnosis. We are the same age. My mom and aunt cried, but my daughter was giving me a thumbs up. It is so wierd. But I found that I was not prepared for a bald head. I had no clue how to tie a scarf, let alone where to buy one. All of the wig stores were closed. I finally found some, but I didn't know how to tie it, I looked like a pirate. Thank god for YouTube. She talked about having fun with your new look. I have improved in my scarf tying and am learning how to accesorize with big earrings and flower clips. At night it is so cold! I have been sleeping in a sponge bob knit cap to keep warm. I am getting more comfortable seeing myself with no hair. I still don't like it, but shower time is much faster now. I know that I still have a long journey ahead, but I feel like I jumped over a huge hurdle and have come such a long way.