waiting sucks

This has been one crazy week. Wednesday I was scheduled for my simulation for radiation. This is when you get a CT Scan and they make a mold of your body for the radiation. I had not seen the doctor since I was first diagnosed, so we did another consult first. He explained that since they removed the tumor, I could opt not to have the radiation. Though, he spoke with my oncologist and they highly recommend doing the radiation because the risks are too high for it to come back. I opted to do the radiation. The doctor said that he was trying to get this other type of radiation approved by my insurance but he was not having any luck. With the standard radiation, they would more than likely hit my bone and the muscle. This will deteriorate them and I will lose some more function of the muscle and possibly have a fracture in the future. The type of radiation that they are trying to get approved will be less invasive but still effective. Just a few hours after I left, the insurance approved the radiation. So, I was on my way again to have the mold made on Thursday morning. It was so very embarrassing! They frogged my legs out into this crazy position and of course a guy was one of the techs. Then after all was done they had to take pictures! I wanted to crawl into a hole... But I did see one of the patients that I did chemo with. It was nice to see them, I was wondering how he was doing. He gave me a run down of what to expect.

Then Friday came and it was time for my Pet/Ct scan. I knew what to expect because I had one done in May. So I waited my 45 minutes after the injection and was ready to go. Though I forgot how long the scan takes. I was in the tunnel for a while and it was really quite. You can hardly tell if the machine is going. I looked at the room where the tech is supposed to be and he was not there. Panic started to set in. I tried to calm myself down. I told my self that it was alright, nothing to worry about. If anything was wrong I could just shimmy on out of this tunnel. Then I remember that I was strapped in. My heart started to race and still no sign of the tech. I called out his name, three times. Nothing. Then I got this horrible thought of the machine malfunctioning and the table starting to raise with me strapped in and getting squished. Finally the tech came in and told me that everything was fine. Although they received a message that I was not to go home. I had to go straight to the hospital for a procedure. Even more panic set in at that point. Finally the machine moved and I was closer to the end of the tunnel, but I was worried.

Once the scan was done, I checked my phone and had so many messages. Apparently, the mold that was made the day prior broke in transit. I could breathe. I had to go back to get molded again. Of course, I was thinking they saw something in the CT scan. So off again to get my mold made. It was the exact same workers too, so yet another embarrassing moment. In two days, I have had three CT scans and one Pet. I go in tomorrow afternoon to get the results from my Pet/CT scan. My nerves have been so rattled! I have gone from being confident to scared and crying my eyes out back to confident. I am on an emotional roller coaster! I ran into a survivor today. He mentioned that he sometimes forgets that he is a cancer survivor until he sees someone going through it or hears about the relay for life. I also saw a video about a survivor that sometimes forgets what it was like to be bald. I can't wait for the day that I can say that... But right now I ask for prayers. Please pray that my the results from my scan come back normal and cancer free!