it hurts so much!

22 treatments down, 8 to go. And oh Lord, it hurts so much. Yesterday I went to the hospital to get re-simulated for the boost. The last five treatments are going to concentrate on the scar area. They brought in another doctor and agreed that they will use a different machine and the radiation will not go as deep. This is good because they will avoid hitting the bladder and other organs... So now I have even more marks on my leg and little stickers to keep the marks on. Radiation is like getting a horrible sun burn times a friggin million. My leg looks almost black in some areas, really red in others. It is now swollen and the skin started to break today. It itches like CRAZY! Walking is getting difficult because I cannot avoid the rubbing of my clothes on my leg. Not to mention that I am in a crazy frog pose for a good 20-30 minutes for the radiation. So if I sit in one position for too long my hips and lower back start to hurt, so I have to get up and move around. Which brings me back to the it hurts to walk thing. To sum it up, radiation sucks!

What really got me was that I saw a nurse and she was reading my chart. She looked at me and said, "Ah you just had a birthday! Congratulations!!" That caught me off guard... She didn't say happy belated birthday, she said congratulations. For a while I have felt like I kicked cancer's butt. Like hey, I beat this! But every now and then I hear something or see something and I feel like a Cancer patient again, not a survivor taking preventative measures to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Looking back on this year, I cannot believe what I have gone through. Sometimes I think about the day I first found the tumor or the day that I got that phone call that turned my world upside down. I think about all of the tests and doctors. All of my family and friends that stood by my side.  It makes me drop to my knees and thank the Lord for everything that he has done for me and my family. I know that I am not a strong person, but with his help I was able to fight this and keep my sanity. I was able to hold it together when my world was falling apart. Even now, through all the pain of the radiation I do not ask God to take the pain away. I know that for some reason that I will never understand, that this is my cross to bear. I only ask God to help give me the strength and courage to work through the pain and to continue to carry me through my journey. I am so very grateful that I have a the wonderful support of my family and friends. Last night I started to cry and my daughter came and gave me a pep talk and prayed that God will help me through this last leg of my treatments. I am so lucky to have her. I cannot wait until the day that I am healed and ready to walk in the relay for life as a Survivor!