The transition to normality.

Two months have past since my radiation treatments were completed. Two months, I still cannot believe it. The radiation burn on my thigh continued to get worse before it go better. Fortunately during my last five treatments, they were able to block a section of the burn with lead so it could heal as they blasted the other section with the radiation. I still have hyperpigmentation, but for the most part it is now healed. I am also getting more sensation back in my leg. This is both good and bad. On one hand, I can feel my leg again. It is not that muted feeling I had after the surgeries. On the other hand, I can really feel my leg. I hate it. Feeling the crater that was left when they removed the tumor and muscle. It makes me sick. I get this queasy feeling in my stomach. I need to start working out. Now that the burns are healed and I can move around easier, I need to start training the muscle that is left and strengthen it. Perhaps tomorrow.

I am still tired. I cannot stay up late like I used to. After work I just want to sink into the couch and watch Doctor Who. The other day I laid down just to rest my eyes and I was out by 7:30pm. I did start my classes again. This is the third week of my first class. It is so hard to concentrate and writing papers, that was amusing. Looking back on it, I can remember at least three things that I did not do that I should have. I have been on leave since October. I did not think it would be this hard to get back into the swing of things. Boy was I wrong.

I keep forgetting things left and right. You would think I still have ChemoBrain. I need to start stapling post-it notes to my shirt or writing on my hand because I forget everything! Twice have forgotten my appointment to get my port flushed. I had to schedule it at the end of the day tomorrow, because I knew that I would forget to go in the morning. The hardest part is trying to get used to not having as many doctor appointments. Sometimes I feel like they just set me free and forgot about me. I have another scan next month. If it comes back clean, then we can talk about removing the port. That will be a blessing.

This last weekend felt somewhat normal. I actually headed out with a friend to a con. It is just hard trying to get back to the land of the living. I can have a normal day and then all of the sudden it hits me and I get a rush of feelings. The terror I felt when I first noticed the tumor. When I was first diagnosed or laying in the bed waiting for surgery. The chemo and radiation. Being alone. This wave of emotions is crippling. I want to cry and I wonder how I got through it all. This last year has gone by so fast. It feels so surreal. Like at any moment I will wake up and it was all a bad dream. If only...