My nerves are rattled.

I am getting nervous about the upcoming scan. The imaging place called me on Friday to cancel my appointment for Monday. Apparently the insurance will not approve the scan. They are waiting on the doctor to send over additional clinicals which he has not done yet. They approved the last two scans, so I am not sure what the problem is. It is a $6,000.00 scan, so there is no way I can pay for that if the insurance does not approve it. The scan has been rescheduled for Tuesday. Hopefully, they will clear it all up by then. I hate these scans. They are awesome, but horrible at the same time. They can see everything which is good, because if your are going to have a fighting chance, you must catch it early. But on the other hand, I almost feel like I am waiting. Waiting to see how the next chapter of my life will play out. Waiting to hear those words. Clean scan. That is all I want. I am not looking forward to the results day on Thursday. The day my life can be flipped upside down in a heartbeat.

I have been looking around Facebook and some other blogs for foundations or people that have sarcoma. I did not like what I found. Most of the foundations, obviously, are named for people that did not make it through the fight. I also found a few blogs of people that were diagnosed with sarcoma. I started following them so I could come back and read them when I had more time. Well, turns out they lost their battle. It is so discouraging! I understand that Sarcoma is an extremely rare cancer. I get it. We are talking 1% small. Funding is a big issue. The more money they raise the better the research. What makes sense? Well, lets put all of the worse case scenarios on the front page. I understand the reasoning. But I would like to see the survivors. I want to see all those wonderful faces that have made it through this battle stronger and better than before. I was lucky enough to talk to two survivors of sarcoma when I was first diagnosed. One of which had the same type I did. I wish there was a local support group. To voice my concerns and fears to someone who can honestly say been there, done that, got the Tshirt, no you are not crazy and this is how I dealt with it.

I lost a dear friend yesterday. She was the grandmother to one of my scouts. When I first met her, I learned about her story and battle with cancer. She was a fighter and a survivor. Her cancer came back around the time I found my tumor last February. She gave me advice and most of all she gave me strength. I saw how strong she was when she talked about her cancer. It seemed like nothing could get her down. She always had a smile on when I saw her. She was already in chemo when I started mine, so we could compare notes, so to speak. The chemo was worse for her this time. She fought until the very end. I am glad that she finally made her way home and is no longer in pain. I will always remember and admire her. She was a true inspiration to me in my time of need. I pray for her and her family that she left behind. I think it is fitting that I leave her with this Irish blessing.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.